4. Moving towards…Elderhood? Eldership? Eldering?
April 11, 2025 A Move Towards Re-building an Elder phase of life
In December, I bought the domain name “EldersInTraining.org.” It was a very spontaneous decision. It was not that expensive and there was a little voice telling me that it was what I needed to do. (Intuition is something that I have access to more now than I used to – this is another movement idea that I will come back to). I have been thinking a lot about getting older and what that means within our culture, and this idea of having a path toward being an elder pulled me in.
Elders can play an important role in a healthy thriving populace, yet growing older is something vilified and cast as to-be-avoided in our society. I have read and am reading books on this topic – there are many others who have noted this disconnect between (1) our ability to live longer due to advances in science and (2) the lack of a meaningful role in society for people as they get older. These books contain similar stories to what I have been experiencing that set me on this journey – a successful career, a grown family, resources available for living on, and the only finish line I could see to aim for next was pickleball and book clubs (no offense to pickleball and book clubs!)
What about all I have learned? What about my technical skills and my ability to approach problems with experience and expertise? What about my hard-won ability to navigate relationships and work environments? What about my carefully crafted instinct to hold myself separate from emotional responses and provide calm, patient, thoughtful engagement? Just at the time I feel like I am really coming into my powers, there is not a clear role for me to step into. In fact, workplaces can be overtly unwelcoming as people age, especially for women.
We have all heard the joke that no one on their death bed says – “I wish I worked more.” But the truth is that we live that joke. We, in all our Western, American, capitalism-worshipping glory constantly prioritize work over family and relationships, work over physical health, work over mental health. We (the royal “we” - not us specifically) have built systems that support that prioritization. My husband and I have encountered many people who do not want to stop working, even as they move into their early 70’s. And I do understand this inclination – our society pushes us in this direction our entire lives. Once I stopped working, I had several friends say – “oh, I could never stop working.” It’s a hard-wired tendency. But what if there was another strong, respected, valued role for people to step into at that age? A real alternative.
Elevating elders to a stronger role in society would be one way to shift that default thinking. And, with potentially great benefits! Who among us has not yearned for wise counsel when making big decisions? Usually, those available to ask for advice are either invested to some degree in our decision themselves or have their own values that may not be fully aligned with ours. Some of us may have access to parents or grandparents or mentors who can provide us with calm, centered advice. But in my experience, that is rare. I believe a part of the reason is because our culture does not value and cultivate this role.
I aim to light the path towards that end, the elders-in-training path. I will identify resources, suggest language, and add this conversation to all the other assumptions that exist about what our years can look like in our 60’s and beyond.
